Pensive thoughts at the end of an "era"

It's been a pensive birthday. Ethan had just recovered on Sunday from his month long bout of flu, cough and phlegm and I was heaving a sigh of relief. In a moment of inattention, reaching for my "bugs" hair scrunchy at the TV, I turned round just in time to see Ethan pitch forward from the bed he was sitting on, swinging his little body down in an imperfect fireman's catapult from a fence. I lunged forward just not-in-time to catch or steady him but just-in-time to see him hit his upper lip on the bed frame.

My head was trying to tell me that the blood welling up in his mouth looks like a lot cos it's mixed with saliva, but my mummy instincts were going into overdrive. Ethan was in soo much pain he was silent with his face scrunched up in pain before he let off a loud wail. My mum made much of it. I made much of it. We tried to drive down to a hospital nearby. Of course my mother blames me and makes it patently clear it's my fault. I've actually seen my mum bang Ethan's head into the pillar in my car porch but she is obviously beyond reproach. Double standards.

well, the nurse also thought we were over-reacting, no teeth missing, Ethan jumping up and down playing, able to drink water with the only sign of the accident reflected by the dried blood specks on his face (it looked soo much worse when it was wet).

2 days later Ethan doesn't eat. Apparently ulcers. and he didn't suckle. long story short, Ethan has thrush and I got boob fever again as a result of the pain causing Ethan not to suckle. We're both on meds and it's no fun.

And after spending another $290 on nursing bras my size, it seems Ethan is not as interested in nursing any more. Probably due to the thrush, but then again, my baby is coming to 16 months. [Again, my mother insisted the other day that Ethan only reached the end of his 12 months on 31st Dec instead of 1st Dec. Of course she was pissed when I counted it month by month starting from the first month and got her to agree month by month. she probably thinks she's still right.]

It's a pensive birthday. Today is likely to be the start of my baby not suckling any more. The end of an era. I will probably feel this weaning more keenly than he does. I have come to rely on breastfeeding as that automatic connection and the irreplaceable one-thing no one can replace in the eyes of my little Ethan. I may not feel like that if I didn't have to work.

I sometimes feel resentful of the familial committments that have forced me to work. I do not even have the luxury of saving so that I can stay home and be with my kids since my parents depend so heavily on my income [The other day my mum just asked for a DVD recorder - no way!]. I don't want Ethan to feel the same when he grows up but I can't help worrying that I am not exactly building a nest egg for myself cos of the thousands I need for my parents. I worry it will be a vicious cycle.

But c'est la vie. At least I have my baby and come dinner time, I hope to be able to store up on more hugs and kisses and really, that's better than any present I got for getting older this year :-)